6:56 AM – Woken up rudely after 15-pound Abraham Lincoln portrait on wall crashes onto bed.
7:00 AM – Attempts to hit ‘snooze’ on alarm clock on Abraham Lincoln night stand.

7:01 AM – Instead knocks William Ayers bobblehead onto floor. 7:02 AM – Begins to read the morning papers.
8:00 AM – Finishes reading the New York Times editorial page, Los Angeles Times editorial page, Boston Globe editorial page, and whatever is on the Huffington Post.
9:01 AM – Decides to call chief-of-staff on cell phone for an update on the day’s schedule.
9:02 AM – Scrolls down his contact list to “Blitzer, Wolf.”
9:03 AM – Remembers “Blitzer, Wolf” is not his chief-of-staff
9:04 AM – Actual chief-of-staff walks in Oval Office and tells him he is scheduled today to end the recession, halt Iran’s nuclear ambitions, resolve the Palestinian-Israeli conflict, stop global warming, eradicate poverty, provide universal health care, and cure cancer. Before lunch.
9:30 AM – Chief-of-staff walks out of room.
10:30 AM – Chief-of-staff walks back into room.
10:31 AM – Says he forget to mention, “Abolish hate” as well.
10:32 AM – Receives national security update from advisors.
10:33 AM – Prepares to give speech on Pakistan.
10:34 AM – Begins to practice pronouncing “Pakistan” with a “b” to appeal to Pakistani locals.
1:34 PM – Still struggling to pronounce Pakistan as “Bahk-ee-stahn” to appeal to Pakistani locals.
1:35 PM – Gives up on pronouncing Pakistan.
1:36 PM – Decides to learn Farsi to appeal to Iranians.
1:36 PM – Gives up learning Farsi.
1:37 PM – Decides to learn Arabic to appeal to Palestinians.
1:37 and 30 seconds – Gives up learning Arabic.
1:38 PM – Receives call from Fox News asking why the recession hasn’t been ended, Iran’s nuclear ambitions haven’t been halted, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict hasn’t been resolved, global warming hasn’t been stopped, poverty hasn’t been eradicated, universal health care hasn’t been provided, cancer hasn’t been cured, and hate hasn’t been abolished before lunch.
1:39 PM – Refers Fox News to mysterious press secretary who only goes by the acronym MSNBC.
1:40 PM – Starts to give bailout money to banks, companies, firms, businesses, farms, nursery schools, abortion clinics, Starbuck’s, Chicago Bulls, struggling brothels, and his daughters’ private school.
9:28 PM – Finishes giving out money.
9:29 PM – Gets in bed without eating because he wants to finish reading the newest member of the Great Books program.
9:30 PM – Reads final two chapters of “Dreams From My Father.”
9:55 PM – Puts book on bookshelf.
9:56 PM – Gets in bed.
9:57 PM – Gazes with a twinkle in his eye at Abraham Lincoln poster on ceiling.
4:57 AM – Stops gazing with a twinkle in his eye at Abraham Lincoln poster on ceiling.
4:58 AM – Gets out of bed.
4:59 AM – Walks to closet.
5:00 AM – Takes out top hat and fake beard.
5:01 AM – Puts on top hat and fake beard.
5:02 AM – Stares into the mirror with a twinkle in his eye.
5:03 AM – Hate is abolished for eternity.
5:04 AM – All hell breaks loose